I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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