i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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