im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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