I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
