Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
