so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
