Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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