Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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