You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't special order awesome
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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