I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
