6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
