Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
