bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
