no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
