HIV tests are more positive than that guy
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
