We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
