Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
