we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
