Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
