I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
