he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
