Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
