We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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