I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
