Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
