If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
