You just made me feel so damn special
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
