first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
