I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
