oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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