i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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