when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize