got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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