I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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