I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
what day is it and did you see me today?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
