I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize