when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
