Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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