if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can I color on your dick again?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
