how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
