i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
