I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
