I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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