She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
