Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
