my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
