I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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