She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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