everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
