I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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