and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
