idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
