i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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