dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
