i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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