I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
